I don’t want to write about my anger. It isn’t pretty. It isn’t nice. It is messy. Anger has really showed its ugly head lately and it is devastating. Emotionally and physically, I have crashed and I am trying not to give up. First of all, there is physical pain. I can’t get surgery scheduled for hip replacements and the pain is unmanageable. With severe osteoarthritis, there is pain in movement and at rest and it is severely debilitating.
Emotionally I am in pain, too, feeling defeated with my life on hold, waiting for all of this to be reconciled.
At every level, I feel that I am collapsing in on myself. I have dedicated over 40 years to looking at my mind and at pain and at self condemnation but this might be the first time I am honestly acknowledging how angry I am. It is usually directed inward as depression.
Today, this body and anger are shouting. It came up after the simple DEXA exam as I had to lie flat on an exam table (this is for bone density). My back and hips immediately went from about 2 pain level to 8. I was in tears. That was it. The orthopedic surgeon’s office was downstairs but I couldn’t get a message to the assistant. I just wanted to know if this pain was “normal.” Too busy. “They’re in clinic.” I just wanted to get a message to someone. I went to Dr. Google.
I was upset and this allowed me to realize how pissed I am! Writing is very healing for me, but should I write about anger? Who wants to hear this?
Then, I think, there is so much anger in our world, maybe we should talk about this.
Suppose that the anger out there is in me. If I still the mind and anger, will the world I see be different? Will I be able to see differently? I am teaching what I am learning. We are moving so fast and reacting to what we think is happening TO us that we are unaware of what is IN us!
This isn’t all bad. I am not a bad person for feeling these “bad” feelings. I am just a human being trying to persistently negotiate a path to freedom which includes embracing days like today, when I feel a darkness, like a veil, block the light in my own heart.
As I write this I am watching my mind and able to say that I am both at peace and still in pain. I am both angry and I am open. I have a little willingness that unlocks the door to the heart.
Both light and dark. Both good and bad. Perfectly imperfect.
Wow. Another deep breath allows the chest to open. I am in pain and I am okay. In the pain and not of it. In the body and not of it. And, in the world and not of it. Let there be peace again.
This is the blog I don’t want to post. You might see that even a spiritual teacher and healer struggles. And, you might realize that you, too, are a teacher and a healer and the playing field, being leveled, opens for us all.
As always, my wish is that this be a message of compassion and mercy. Beginning with ourselves, may we find peace and embrace the dark and the light.
May this compassion and wisdom embrace all that we are, and all beings, without exception.